Press Conference #2Our next question comes from Debbi Weiner of the Philadelphia Inquirer:
Congratulations, Marmaduke! We are looking forward to hearing about your stance on the issues as we are looking for a candidate to believe in.
My question is in regard to your stance on universal veterinary medicine. Sure, the rich owners take their pets to University of Pennsylvania for fancy procedures and care. How about the common dog and cat who can't afford this treatment. What are we supposed to do?
Marmaduke: Thank you very much for this insightful question, Debbi. I am more than happy to address this question, which is sure to be a major issue this election season and I’ll even ignore the fact that you ended your initial compliment with a preposition.
I have heard many candidates from both sides of the political aisle discussing the issue of healthcare, yet not one of them have even addressed the serious issues facing the poor, uninsured animals who live in this great nation.
In the last few weeks, as I have been traveling the funny pages of many of our nation’s finest newspapers I have met several animals who, despite being some of the most prominent pets in the country, are continually denied coverage by their insurance companies. You know, just last week while I was visiting the Des Moines Register in Iowa, I met a nice young beagle named Snoopy, a brave airman of the First World War who heroically fought the Red Baron, yet under the current administration he has been all but ignored by the Veterinary Affairs Department.
This is why, today, I am here to roll out a comprehensive universal veterinary medicine program. Other politicians have offered their own versions of this plan, but if you read the fine print they are only interested in protecting the interests of domesticated animals with rich owners. Under my plan, ALL animals will be covered. The Marmaduke Administration will provide veterinary healthcare for every animal – from the stray mutt on a city sidewalk to the great elephants of the Serengeti. Mark these words – no one will be turned away.
With this bold new initiative, I plan to do away with the Endangered Species List by the end of my first term!
Now many of my critics ask me, “Marmaduke, how do you plan on paying for such an expensive proposal? It sounds like this plan would cost the taxpayer millions.” Well, you know, I get that question a lot and the answer is simple. I would pay for this the same way I plan to pay for all of my initiatives: charge it to my master’s credit card. I have used this method to pay for many things over the years: taxi rides, pizza deliveries, and now universal veterinary health care. Through this payment method, I will be able to lower taxes every year of my Administration.
When you vote this primary season, remember which candidate is promising you better veterinary health care for the needy animals out there. Because war heroes such as Snoopy deserve to be treated with the same respect as their non-fictional, non-animal counterparts. So please, think of the Veterins!
If you have a question for Marmaduke's next press conference, feel free to submit it via the comments below.